The personals section is a bit neglected by us isn’t it? Well no more. I went and tracked down some important advice to consider when posting your personal advert – mainly on what overused phrases to avoid thanks to this helpful person:

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

10) “I live life to the fullest!”

(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)

9) “Loves to laugh” or “Fun-loving”

(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I’d like to see “loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.”)

8 ) “I’m ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!”

(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)

7) “I’m a down to earth…”

(If I see this phrase one more time, I’ll… I’ll… I don’t know WHAT I’ll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn’t do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)

6) “I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!”

(You must be very proud. I can’t believe they haven’t made this an Olympic event yet.)

5) “I’m a intelegent…”

(If you can’t SPELL intelligent… do you see where I’m going with this? Class? Anyone?)

4) “I’m a typical (insert astrological sign here).”

(Astrology? Yeah, it’s a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don’t even know where to begin here. If you’re looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don’t ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

3) “I don’t have a pic, but trust me, you won’t be disappointed!”

(Trust me, I will.)

2) “Looking for THE ONE” or “Looking for my Soulmate”

(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there’s always trade school.)

And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is…

1) “Don’t worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon.”

(Ok, it’s probably just me, but why am I still worried?)

Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this….

“Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I’m temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don’t worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I’m 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don’t have a pic, but trust me, you won’t be disappointed! I’m a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!”

(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)

***

So what about the few people who manage to think outside of that little box and come up with something interesting? Well, you can try the approach of appealing to people’s fear of the end of the world:

Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner

“SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage. Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword.

Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don’t bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too

Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights.

No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons.

Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins.

I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive.

At least she knows exactly what it is she’s looking for in a man. I do have one question though, does he still have to be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins…if you know where to find them? Apparently they advertise now too.

Okay I promise I will do a serious post with hints and tips for the personal section soon, this was just too good for me to pass up though and you can’t tell me that I’m the only one who needed a laugh today.